I’ve been absent from the blogging world. I found it hard to write about wedding related madness since I was hiding a rather big secret. And that secret was really all I wanted to write about. Wedding-shmedding…
Here’s a glimpse into what has happened over the last few months. Even though I wasn’t blogging publicly I was keeping up a journal of sorts on this here Durtty Bride.
I hope to get back in the game more often since this latest life surprise has left me with new material that blows all this wedding shiz out of the water. OUT OF THE EFFING WATER Y’ALL.
Written on June 7, 2010
Yesterday I found out that I am pregnant. Even as I write that sentence I’m blown away by the reality of it. I’m pregnant. With child. Going to be a mother. Going to have a family.
In the instant that faint second line showed up on the pregnancy test my entire life changed. I don’t know how to explain it other than I couldn’t believe how quickly everything was just, different.
The first question on your mind is probably – Did you plan this?
My answer – No, but yes, but not really, but kind of.
In February I started seeing a natural family planning specialist. I decided that it was time to look into other types of birth control since I had been on hormonal birth control off and on since I was 15. The only rationale I can give you is that I felt like I needed to know who I was without being manipulated by pharmaceuticals. It wasn’t a decision that I took lightly and T and I discussed it on many, many occasions before we finally took the plunge. And I did feel different…more like me. Like my emotions were less muted. The other huge factor was that we wanted to start a family soon after getting married. These eggs of mine weren’t getting any younger, you know? So I wanted all those ugly hormones out of my body before we attempted.
After a few months of charting and seeing the counselor, she suspected that I might have Endometriosis and thought that I would need to have surgery before conceiving was possible. I believed her since in the four or five months that I had been charting I had no signs of ovulating. None. Zippo. TMI? You’re here by CHOICE remember? Oh – sorry – raging pregnancy hormones can make me kind of short.
When you’re 27 and someone tells you that it might be hard for you to have a baby you can’t help but feel disappointed. I’ve gotten tired of dealing with medical issues and this became just another problem to add to the pile. After I got that news, Travis and I went through a phase of thinking we would try immediately on the honeymoon, then went through a phase where we thought it was best to wait a while longer.
I kept paying attention to the signs I was taught by the natural family planner, but still nothing. I saw my regular OB GYN and she had a differing opinion – didn’t think I had Endometriosis, didn’t’ think I would have any trouble. Reassuring, but confusing at the same time. Who was I supposed to believe?
The funny thing is that we actually started being more careful after I had this appointment. Except, I guess we weren’t.
Pregnant before our wedding was not what I had dreamed of, but suddenly the idea that this was one of the biggest blessings I have ever received hit home. After thinking that I would face surgery, possible infertility and months/years of trying, to have this dropped in my lap is truly remarkable. And it wasn’t just the medical side that was freaking me out. It was the how will we pay for college, how will I take maternity leave, how will Travis go to school, OM-are-you-kidding-me-God daycare is expensive that was freaking me out.
Sometimes in life decisions are made for us and it looks like this is one of those times.
So here I am 4 weeks out from our wedding and I’m growing a human. It baffles me. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I was instantly full of rainbows and unicorns. Instead, my emotions were mixed. I felt a certain sense of shame for being pregnant before the wedding. Although I never felt any sort of shame for doing what we did to get pregnant before the wedding. Damn Catholic guilt! How do you shake it?
I felt like nothing would ever be the same. I felt like this blessing that I wasn’t sure was possible had been handed to me. I felt like it was fate.
Now this whole wedding seems a lot less important. Rather, protecting it this baby that is the size of a poppy seed seems a lot more important.
September 20, 2010
So today I find myself carrying a mango sized baby in my growing, aching womb. In a week we will find out what flavor of munchkin is coming our way.
I have to say that after planning our wedding for 18 months I couldn’t be happier with how that day turned out. It truly was one of the best days of my life. To be surrounded by your family and friends. To see their beaming faces as you walk down the aisle is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced. To say my vows and hear Travis say his was truly remarkable. And to wear that dress! Oh to wear that dress! There’s nothing like it.
But, as you may have guessed, this blog content is changing. I’m not going to promise to write one way or the other, but you’re going to get little slivers of my journey here. From fiancee to wife to mother. Career girl to working mother. Oh and I nest now. Boy, do I nest.