Like:

• I had my heart broken.
• I made new friends.
• I lost friends. 9 years later I wish that I had tried harder.
• I climbed out of a hole and became myself again.
• I figured out that I was worth it.
• I realized how much I enjoy mojitos.
• I finished college.
• I moved to a foreign country.
• I figured out what made me happy.
• I had bad boss after bad boss.
• I found a mentor or two.
• I bought a house.
• I fell in love. Again. And it was so much better.
• I got scuba certified.
• I got engaged.
• I made more new friends. I realized that friendships are a journey.
• I traveled.
• I stuck up for myself.
• I found out I was pregnant after not knowing if it would be possible.
• I got married. Yes, in that order.
• I had a baby.
• I got more comfortable and confident in my job.
• I learned that being assertive doesn’t mean being a bitch.
• I learned that you don’t know love or vulnerability until you are a mother.

And so much more! It’s hard to reflect on these last 9 years and remember every pivotal moment because there have been so many!

After grieving a bit, I decided that I’m going to make this year count so I came up with 29 Goals for my 29th year. You can view my Pin Board with all of my goals here.

A couple of days ago you turned 10 months. I can hardly believe it. We’re getting ready to celebrate your first Christmas and I think Daddy and I are more excited about this than anyone else! We went absolutely overboard with your Christmas gifts, even though we know that you will most likely play with boxes, tissue paper and ribbon. We are taking you on your first long road trip this week. 8 hours to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in Park City. We know you are going to have a blast climbing the stairs and hanging out with Grandpa. He’s quickly becoming your favorite pal.

It’s hard to describe how the last 10 months of our lives have changed. You will never know the enormity of it until you hold your first born. Watching you grow and change is the most amazing gift. Your life has given our lives new meaning and a better appreciation for the world. You’re teaching us patience, how to love unconditionally and how to laugh and play again. Watching you explore is like living my childhood over again. EVERYTHING is new to you. EVERYTHING is worth exploring. EVERY person worth knowing. EVERY dog worth kissing.

You laugh so much and it is sublime to watch the laughter move through your entire body. How quickly we forget what it’s like to enjoy laughter that way.

You are attending daycare full time and you love it. I feel guilty that I can’t stay home with you, but every morning you greet your teachers and friends and get straight to playing. You play so hard that the teachers are having a hard time getting you to slow down and eat. You’ve quickly mastered the play gym and climb the stairs constantly. You have a whole group of friends and you crawl as fast as you can across the room. Yesterday night you took a few steps on your own. So exciting to watch you master one step after another!

Last month, we had you baptized. You were talking to your friend Lillian the entire time and handled the baptism like a champ. Your Godparents helped us throw you a party afterwards at their house. You had a good time hanging out with your friends, crawling around and eating crumbs.

All Dressed Up

You have 6 teeth and are eating everything in sight. You are no longer a fan of baby food. You want to eat what we eat and sometimes you will rip food right out of our hands. Your favorites right now include sweet potatoes, yogurt, lunch meat, cheerios and bananas. On Thanksgiving you ate an entire bowl of mashed potatoes, turkey and all the trimmings. You are slowly mastering the sippy cup.

Sleeping through the night is still something we are trying to master. Raising you has changed our understanding of what sleeping through the night means. As brand new parents we thought once you started sleeping long stretches that it would be smooth sailing. Turns out that is not the case at all. Some babies may sleep through the night early on. You are not one of them. It is getting better though. Most nights throughout the week you only get up once, usually around 4 a.m. Some nights you get up twice. You might be hungry or you might just want to cuddle. We are getting better at understanding which is which. You do give us some great nights of sleep occasionally. We are thankful for the reprieve. 6 hours of sleep is the new 8!

We love you so much and can’t believe how quickly this 10 months has gone. Soon we will be celebrating your first birthday and then you’ll be going to kindergarten and then you’ll be driving and then off to college. People told us how quickly this would go, but we truly had no idea until you arrived.

My "Little" Guy's Hand

Merry Christmas my little munchkin!
Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Breastfeeding would fall into this category.

I was so stressed and sad about quitting breast feeding and then life just worked out.

My baby has 6 teeth. They didn’t come in over night. He got his first two around 7 months and in the last two months four of his top teeth have come in. This didn’t cause any problems until his front teeth made the final descent  right around the nine month mark.

I had started to wean him in the eighth month so one evening I cuddled up with him for one of the few breastfeeding sessions that we were still having.

And he bit me!

I had read about this on BabyCenter and the advice given was to give a stern NO and then relatch the baby. So I tried that.

And he bit me. Two more times.

And then he LAUGHED in my face.

Do I need to describe the pain of having two dagger-like infant teeth bite your nipple?

I didn’t think so.

In that moment the guilt of not breastfeeding was gone. My sweet little, vulnerable baby is becoming a toddler. He’s eating table food, holding his own bottle and trying to scarf down any food he can rip out of our hands. Soon he will be walking and I realized that this phase of mothering my baby has passed.

And I’m ok with it. Really, really ok.

It was so timely. I saw two of my mommy friends last weekend and we sympathized with each other over friendships that seem to have taken a hiatus with the arrival of our little ones. Different priorities, lack of free time and lack of sleep have all contributed to a loss of friends that once were close to us.

I understand that friendships change. With or without babies involved, friendships change over time, but I’ve never experienced such a dramatic change during one period of my life.

The person who I would have called my best friend a year ago has never met my son.

The person who I was friends with, but not especially close to, was the first person there when we got home from the hospital with food and love and the desire to rock my baby while I took a second for myself. And, even after the home birth debacle, she listened enthusiastically without judgement to our birth story.

The friendship that I thought would suffer the most has grown stronger.

An acquaintance has become a confidant, a safe place for a good gut check and good laugh when I need it.

Motherhood can be a lonely place at times. It’s not a surprise that I now gravitate towards other moms. It’s not that I don’t want to continue to have relationships with my childless friends. It’s absolutely the opposite. I love them still, I cherish the memories that we’ve made together.

I find when I’m around my childless friends I censor myself from talking about my baby and all the things that come with that. Part of me thinks its a desperate attempt to make them think that I am the same person. “I’m still cool! I’m still interesting! I’m still a CAREER!” And part of me thinks it’s because they can’t possibly be interested in the mundane (but fabulous!) things about motherhood.

What to Expect tells me that this is normal. That such a dramatic change of lifestyle is destined to lead to changes in ALL of my relationships.

Perhaps, it’s no where near as prevalent as the change in my relationships with the women in my life.

Anybody else going through or been through this? Did these friendships ever become normal again?

1. Spotify.

Loving this music service. So much so that I’ve given up iTunes and am paying the $10/month. The thing I love the most is getting the chance to preview an entire album. Also, love discovering artists I’ve never heard of and goodies from my favorites.

Which brings me to…

2a. Ben Folds – The Best Imitation of Myself: A Retrospective.

Le sigh….

Ben Folds – J’adore.

I absolutely love this entire greatest hits-ish album by Mr. Folds. The track “Smoke,” which was recorded with the Western Australain Symphony Orchestra (WASO) is my fav. I missed seeing Ben Folds in Perth by a couple of months and that makes me so, so sad.

2b. Pistol Annies – Hell on Heels

Miranda Lambert has another band! Who knew? After finding this album, I couldn’t stop listening to it. It’s country, but kind of honky tonk, but kind of Dixie Chicks with more of an edge. The songs Hell on Heels, Trailer for Rent and Beige are so, so good. If I had the big bucks I’d head on down to Vegas on December 3 to see them in concert.

2c. Mayer Hawthorne – How Do You Do

This was one of the artists that popped up as being new on Spotify and I love it. Great music for a night on the couch with a glass of wine. Sounds like old, but new Motown.

3. Sons of Anarchy on FX

Oh Jax…what are you doing with this MC? And Clay you evil, evil bastard. The hubs and I have watched SOA for years now and this season is not disappointing. Last season was a bit Saved by the Bell Goes to Hawaii, with the whole let’s send the MC to Ireland plot, but this season is bringing it back to that edge of your seat drama that the first two seasons were known for. I can hardly wait for Tuesday nights.

4. Paying off debt.

In a previous post I mentioned how we’ve been following Dave Ramsey and paying off some serious debt. We aren’t debt free yet, but I can’t shout from the mountain tops loud enough how fantastic it feels to have so many bills paid off and how much this has helped to simplify my life. Not worrying about so many bills is nice motivation to stay the course and get this crap paid off.

5. Meaningful Beauty

I used my splurge spending money and signed up for the Meaningful Beauty line of skincare. A co-worker recommended it and she was right. This stuff is good. Not to go all infomercial on you, but my skin really does look more even and bright.

6. Spinning

A few years ago I was a spinning fool and sometimes would hit 4 spinning classes in one week. Recently, I’ve started going to spinning classes again and I remember that I really, really love them. With limited sleep, spinning doesn’t require a lot of coordination. It feels good to get the heart pumping.

Yeah…about that.

In the last month or so breastfeeding has become more and more difficult. Not because of a physical issue, but because of a I’m a Working Mom with HUGE projects on my plate kind of issue.

When I came back to work I pumped 3 times a day. I scheduled it on my calendar and it was an unspoken rule in the office that no one would book meetings with me during those times. It worked for about 4 months.

Then things started to get busier, my workload slowly returned to pre-maternity leave status, I got a new boss, and I started to notice that I was cutting at least one pumping out a day. No big deal as I had an entire freezer drawer full of excess breast milk. Then things got even busier and pumping only once a day became more like the rule than the exception.

If you know anything about breastfeeding, then you know that it’s a supply/demand kind of operation. It shouldn’t have surprised me when I noticed that I simply wasn’t producing as much as I used to. We decided to introduce a bottle of formula at night.

Yes, my child has had formula.

Yes, your child (who you breastfed until he was 5) will probably win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I’ve accepted that.

First, supply dips. Second, I have a week of issues with my pump. One day it won’t turn on. The next day a bottle I am pumping into leaks 2 ounces of breastmilk all over my pants leaving me practically in tears. Third, pumping is taking longer and leaving me with less milk. Fourth, I am still pumping in a bathroom stall.

Boo-Hiss!

Henry is almost 9 months old and I’m facing the reality that I might not make it to the one year mark. We’ve now added a a few bottles of formula everyday and within my freezer supply is almost non-existent.

The hardest part of this whole thing is the enormous amount of guilt I feel. I hadn’t expected this, and I’m blaming it on all that breastfeeding bonding that has taken place. My heart breaks a little when I think about quitting. I can’t stand the thought of not having that cuddle time anymore. I know that, inevitably, we would come to this point. I don’t think I’m ready for full on weaning yet, but I’m having a tough time coming to terms with the thought of NOT breastfeeding anymore.

I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think the root of all this mommy guilt is coming down to the idea that NOT breastfeeding to a year means I’m a failure. And, let’s face it – I don’t do well with failure.

Even though I am still breastfeeding a couple of times a day, I still feel like a failure. The logical part of me knows this is not the case, but the emotional/control freak/Type A part of me feels like unless I am 100% breastfeeding him then I am not #winning.

And winning is everything. As all of you know.

I joke, I joke.

Kind of.

I’m realizing that this new feeling of breastfeeding guilt is probably the way a lot of moms out there who couldn’t or chose not to breastfeed feel. My neighbor had her second baby girl in June and tried so hard to breastfeed, but for whatever reason her body would not make enough milk for her baby. And she tried. Boy, did she try. She saw a lactation consultant, rented a medical grade pump, drank a stout beer, pumped day and night to increase supply. In the end, nothing worked and back to formula she went.

“I feel like such a failure,” she said on my front porch. “Everything you read says breast is best. Where’s the support for the rest of us?”

She’s right. There’s no support for the non-breastfeeding mom. No support groups for formula fed babies. No books about formula feeding.

The weirdest thing is that no one really talks about this guilt. I had to summon up the courage to bring it up with another friend of mine (shout out Jill!) just to see if she felt the same way. And she did! And I wasn’t alone! And I’m not a bad mom! And I’ve done the best I could!

Everywhere you turn it seems that people will spout their judgement on what is best for you and your baby. That judgement has to be the worst way of cultivating a culture of supportive moms. If we don’t support each other, then who will?

Lately, it hasn’t been that way. At all.

It’s the first time in four years that I haven’t wanted to write and that’s not normal.

Possibly, it’s the change in seasons. Dooce wrote about her depression and how it always rears it’s ugly head in September. Perhaps, it’s the same for me.

It’s also possible that the events in my community have taken a toll on me.

First, there was a senseless shooting.

Then there was a horrific plane crash a little too close to my home.

And finally, we lost a family friend in a tragic accident. He had a wife and two young daughters.

I’ve always been a bit on the sensitive side, but becoming a parent has opened me up to a new vulnerability. Having a child has made me aware of how connected we all are. Now, I will encounter a rude, nasty person and I think, “Well, at some point this person was a little baby and their mother loved them as much as I love Henry.”

And now I understand loss in a whole new way. And I can’t even write about it. Because I just can’t handle letting my mind go there.

So, in so many ways, it’s not surprising that I feel these events in a way that I haven’t felt before. Because now I live in a world where I can imagine just how devastating the loss is.

Ugh.

So I haven’t been writing, which is just not like me.

But rest assured that my life is still full of wonder, still as busy as ever, and still full of mothering goodness like being projectile vomited on, getting up at 3 a.m. and tackling mommy and me yoga.

I’m working on getting back in the blogging game so be patient with me as I try to find my autumn groove.

I never planned on having this many canine buddies.

When we bought our house Travis really wanted his own dog. We had my 12 year old cattle dog, Daisy, who Travis had adopted as a sort of step child, but she was my dog through and through. Soon after moving into our home, Travis found a puppy at the Pet Network that he desperately wanted. One snowy, winter day we went up to look at the litter of puppies that he had his eye on.

They were tiny, cute little cattle dog mixes with a beautiful, kind mother. Travis quickly chose a grey speckled puppy. She was tiny in his big hands. At only 4 weeks, she was too small to bring home and while he worked on some paperwork I strolled through the rest of the facility.

Travis holding Dutch on the day we adopted her.

And then I met Pearl.

She was a tiny little puppy that they were calling a pit bull lab mix and I knelt down to pet her through the cage. She was friendly immediately and had the best dog smile I’ve ever seen. I fell in love with her.

Pearl

Unfortunately, it turned out that someone had already claimed Pearl. I was a little heartbroken, but knew it was for the best. We continued on our dog adoption plan and visited our puppy whenever we went skiing. Every time we went back I would check on Pearl. We filled out an application for her just in case.

One day we received a call from the Pet Network. Pearl’s adopter had fallen through. Did we still want her?

It took some convincing, but after we both had done some research about pit bulls I somehow convinced Travis that we needed to get Pearl too. The thought of three dogs was daunting (had I known that a baby would be on the way a short time later, I would have made an entirely different decision), but we’re optimists and it would turn out that raising two puppies was excellent practice for a baby.

We said yes.

Pearl is one of the best dogs I’ve ever known. She’s sweet and kind and playful. She’s the sensitive dog in the house. And my protector. When Travis is out of town she sleeps on the bed with me and stands guard all night. Funnily enough, she’s bonded the most with Travis while the puppy he chose has bonded to me. Both of the dogs were the perfect additions to our family.

When Henry was born we were concerned that the dogs wouldn’t handle it well. We’ve been pleasantly surprised, and no dog has surprised us more than Pearl. We call her the nanny dog. When I get Henry out of his crib in the morning, Pearl stands on two legs and perches herself on the edge of the crib so she can look too. She keeps her eyes on him at all times and makes sure to ply him with dog kisses on a regular basis.

But the sweetest moment of all?

A few weeks ago, as we were getting ready for bed,  Travis saw Pearl grab one of his undershirts and head for under the bed. She’s not a small dog, but every night she army crawls under the bed to her dog cave. He yelled at her and was trying to get under the bed to get the undershirt back. What he found surprised him. You see, under the bed he found:

• Another one of his undershirts
• A pair of my underwear
• One of Henry’s onesies

This crazy dog had collected a piece of clothing from each of us and was using it in her little nest. I might be overly hormonal and sentimental right now, but I was so touched by this. Because even though these crazy dogs are sometimes too much to handle, we are their family and they are ours.

Pearl - Hanging out in our bed. She's the queen of the house.

Pearl was four months old when we adopted her. She had been abandoned as a tiny four week old puppy. When she came to the shelter her eyes weren’t even open yet. Until we adopted her, she had only been outside a couple of times. She didn’t have a mother and at first she was afraid of everything. She wanted to sleep in bed with us every night. She wouldn’t walk on grass and preferred concrete.

She might be pit bull. She might not. Even our vet can’t say for sure. Taking a chance on adopting Pearl is something that I will never regret.

Interesting stats and info!

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This year was a bit different because I was hugely pregnant at New Years and the one and only goal I had for 2011 was to have a natural, un-medicated child birth and survive the first six weeks of being a mother (for me, those first six weeks were the hardest, anybody else feel that way?).

Now that I’m past the whole labor and delivery thing, my goals are returning to my traditional New Year’s Resolutions. Although, this time I’m adding one or two more. I’m inspired by ShoeShoe Girl’s Blog – she’s motivated me to post my goals here so I have a place to journal my progress and that keeps me accountable.

So here goes:

Goal #1 – Weight Loss

Lose 20 l-b-s’sss by the end of the year. This will get me close to my pre-pregnancy/wedding weight. At this weight I feel more comfortable/confident and my clothes fit.

How I’m going to do this:

I’ve headed back to MRI to workout with Camie Cragg, the genius trainer who helped me before our wedding. I’m also committing to training for the Race for a Cure 5k race. That race is October 2, which is the perfect amount of time to use the Couch to 5k app. It’s tough to fit even an extra half hour three times a week, but I’m committing to it this time. None of that I’m planning to…I want to…I’ll try to. Nope…this time I’m doing it.

This goal also ties into my next goal…

Goal #2 – Force myself to make ME time

After Henry was born I struggled with feeling like I had lost my identity and that it was replaced with Henry’s Mom and Travis’s Wife. Sometimes I have to force myself to do things for myself.  I know this is about balance. The problem is that I really love spending time with my baby and husband, but I suppose it’s a fine line between quality time and a feeling of obligation.

How I’m going to do this:

Working out on a regular basis. Getting a pedicure or massage. Reading. Getting up early to enjoy that beautiful cup of morning coffee and a quiet house. Enjoying a little guilt free shopping. Forcing myself to be a little selfish.

Goal #3 – Find financial peace

In December of last year, Travis and I made a commitment to follow Dave Ramsey’s financial peace program. Having a baby got us a little off course – we stockpiled money for my maternity leave rather than paying debt off until I went back to work full time. Since May, we have paid off almost $7,000 in debt. If we stay the course we will be set to have all of our credit cards paid off by December and we will pay for Christmas and the holiday season with cash! I’m not going to lie, making huge payments on credit cards sucks. I can’t help thinking every time I make a payment of all the fun we could have with that money, but watching the balances drop and slowly die off is satisfying too. There’s a lot of freedom that comes from saying, “In your face!” to the credit card companies. Last month, we paid off our truck – getting that title in the mail was an awesome feeling. This month we paid off my Wells Fargo credit card. It’s had a balance since I was in college. Boom Boom POW!

How I’m going to do this:

Stay the course. Keep paying and follow our plan. Budget, budget, budget. Use cash more.

Goal #4 – Declutter

I’m an adult now. I’m married. I have a baby. I own a home. I have a career. So why is my house always such a disaster? We have a clutter/organization/dirty laundry problem in our home and I’m desperate to fix it. We’ve worked hard to keep up on things and throw trash/junk mail/various crap away. Now it’s just a matter of making it a habit.

How I’m going to do this:

Get rid of stuff. Remind myself that a clutter free house makes me feel better and more centered emotionally. Oh and I’m an adult and until I am debt free there will be no magic cleaning lady for me.

Goal #5 – Spend a little time on my faith and spirituality

True Confession: Travis and I have been married for a year and until last weekend I had only gone to church once since we got married. And, fine, yes, you were right. It was Christmas. I’m one of those people. I like going to church, but it seems like it’s one of the first things to go when I feel too busy. I’m recommitting to attending mass a few times a week month, preparing to have Henry baptized and making time for my spiritual side.

How I’m going to do this:

Plan to attend church a couple of times a month. Take a few quiet moments everyday for prayer.

Those are my goals for the next 5 months. I’m going to pull a little Tim Gunn on myself and Make it Work!